| カザリとヨーコ
Kazari and Yoko
By Otsuichi
Translation by Michael Rosiles
１
I wondered just how Mom would kill me should she have wanted to do it. She could have whacked me over the head with something hard like always for example. The usual strangling would have been another way. Would she have thrown me off the veranda of our apartment and make it look like a suicide.
That had to be it. Making it look like suicide would be the best way to do it.
“Endo Yoko always seemed troubled by something. I bet her troubles turned into distress and she killed herself,” my classmates and teachers would say if they were questioned about me. No one would doubt that I'd committed suicide.
Mom's treatment of me as of late had been to hurt me physically more often than not. She would harass me in a more indirect way when I was younger. She would buy a piece of cake for my Sister but there wouldn't be a piece for me. She'd also buy clothes for my Sister but never buy anything for me. Mom did things to traumatize me mentally.
“Yoko, aren't you the eldest? Just endure it,” is what Mom would always tell me.
Kazari and I were identical twins. She was beautiful and energetic. It felt like a flower suddenly bloomed every time she smiled. Her teachers and classmates at school all loved her. I loved her too, because she sometimes gave me her leftovers.
Mom didn't make food for me on purpose so I was almost always hungry. But if I opened the refrigerator without permission Mom would come hit me with an ash tray so I was too scared to sneak food. When I felt like I was going to die, gasping in pain, Kazari would put a plate of food in front of me. She truly looked like an angel. An angel with wings of white, and a plate of half-eaten gratin or uneaten carrots.
Mom wouldn't get mad at Kazari for feeding me. She's never scolded Kazari before anyway. That's because Kazari is very important to her.
While eating her leftovers and offering thanks, I'd think to myself that I'd kill a man just to protect my truly wonderful little Sister.
There's no dad in our family. I only really noticed that it was just the three of us when I was a 7th grader, and there's still only the three of us living together now.
I don't know what kind of influence not having a father has had on me. Maybe if I had a father, Mom wouldn't have broken my teeth or put out her cigarettes on me, or maybe she still would have. I could also have been cheerful like Kazari. I thought about this in the mornings as Mom smiles and brings a plate of toast and sunny-side-up eggs. They're for Kazari, never for me. It would be better for me not to see that but since I slept in the kitchen there was no avoiding it.
Mom and Kazari had their own rooms. I didn't, so I had to shove my things in the storage closet with the vacuum cleaner and other stuff. I didn't have much, thankfully, so I didn't need much space. Only my school uniform and textbooks. The few pairs of clothes I did have were hand-me-downs from Kazari. Mom took away any books and magazines I tried to read. All I had was a crushed, flattened throw cushion. It was in the kitchen next to the garbage can. I sat on it to do my homework, daydream, hum, and some other stuff. I had to be careful not to stare at Mom and Kazari. If our eyes met Mom would throw a kitchen knife at me. My throw cushion was also my beloved bed. I would curl up on top of it like a cat to sleep and it somehow didn’t hurt.
I left the apartment every morning without breakfast. Otherwise, Mom would glare at me as if she were saying, “Why do I have a girl like her here?” So I had to leave early. If I were even a few seconds late in leaving the house, I could have ended up bruised. Even if I didn't do anything wrong, Mom would make up some reason to smack me.
I would watch Kazari in fascination as she passed me by on the way to school. Her hair always fluttered in the wind as she walked along cheerfully. Kazari and I hardly ever talked when Mom was around. But we didn't exactly chat like good Sisters when she wasn’t around either. Kazari was popular at school and always had fun chatting with all of her friends. I was so jealous of her, but was never brave enough to try and enter her circle.
I knew nothing about the currently running shows or singers on TV. Mom always got mad at me when I watched TV, so I knew nothing about life with one.
That made me not confident about keeping up with everyone's conversations. This meant I ended up having no friends, so during breaks I’d put my head down on my desk and pretend to sleep.
Kazari was like a support for me. Everyone loved Kazari, so I was proud that I had the same blood running through my veins.
My face looked like Kazari's. Of course, we were identical twins after all, but no one had ever mistaken me for Kazari. She was always so cheerful and alive, while I was gloomy and plain. My school uniform was dirty, stained, and above all it reeked.
One day I saw a lost dog flier posted on a telephone pole while I was walking to school. A female terrier named Aso. “If you find this dog please bring it to the following address. Suzuki,” was written neatly on it beneath a simple drawing of the dog.
I kind of glanced at it, but didn't think too much of it at the time. I couldn't think much about it because of the unbearable pain from the bruise I had on my arm from yesterday. It hurt so much I couldn't concentrate in class so I decided to go to the nurse's office. The nurse was startled when she saw the terrible bruise on my arm.
“My, what in the world happened to you? “
“I fell down some stairs. “
But that was a lie. The real cause was Mom had come home late, gone to take a bath, found a long hair in the bathtub and hit me. I reeled from the blow and smacked my arm on the corner of the table, all the while cursing myself for being such a klutz.
“Your stray hairs clinging to me in the tub feel disgusting. Do you hate me? Why do you do this to me after I come home from a hard day’s work?”
This had happened before, so I was careful not to get into the bath before she did. So the hair she was talking about had to be Kazari’s, not mine. But my hair was about the same length as Kazari’s, and Mom wouldn’t listen since she came home irritated in the first place, so I didn’t say anything.
“The bone’s not broken, but if the pain doesn’t go away you should go see a doctor. But Ms. Endo, listen, did you really fall down the stairs? Haven’t you been here before for the same thing?” The nurse asked while wrapping bandages around my arm. I didn’t say anything and lowered my head, then left her office. I figured I wouldn’t be able to use the stairs excuse anymore.
I continued to hide the fact that Mom was beating me. I was told to keep it a secret, and if I told anyone she would kill me for sure.
“Listen, I beat you because you’re such a bad little girl. But you have to keep this an absolute secret. Okay? If you do I won’t turn on this blender.”
I cried and nodded my little elementary school head back then. Mom took her finger from the switch and let go of my arm that she’d been holding down. I gladly took my hand out of the blender.
“Just a little bit more pressure and your hand would have been juice.”
She laughed, blowing the nauseatingly sweet smell of half-eaten chocolate ice cream from her mouth at me.
Mom was not a very social person. She acted like the devil to me, but outside of the house she hardly ever opened her mouth. She worked to raise two children, but couldn’t seem to talk about herself to others. So maybe Mom and I resembled each other at a low level. That and we both truly looked up to the cheerful and energetic Kazari. If things didn’t go well with her coworkers Mom would come home angry. Then she’d find me and beat me or kick me.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!”
She sounded much more serious than when she tells me I’m not her child. I always think that when she’s pulling my hair.
２
One of my classmates spoke to me while we were cleaning the classroom. It had been three days and six hours since the last conversation. The last one went like this: “Endo, let me borrow your eraser.” “… Uh, sorry, I don’t have one.” “Bah.” That was it. Today’s was much longer.
“Endo Yoko, you’re the fake Endo Kazari from class one, right? You guys really don’t look like Sisters,” she said to me while holding a broom. The other girls around her all laughed at once. I knew what she said but oddly enough wasn’t mad, though all the others laughing gave me a bad feeling.
“Stop, you’ll hurt her feelings.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Okay, I understand…” I tried to say, but my voice was gone because it had been a while since I’d last said anything. I kept sweeping the floors hoping they’d all go somewhere else. It was our turn to clean the classroom, but I was the only one who ever really cleaned.
“So Endo, you went to the nurse again today, didn’t you? You have another bruise? You’re covered in bruises, right? I know all about it. I saw you changing into your swimsuit for P.E. No one believes me though. Take your clothes off and show them.”
I stayed silent, worried, but just then the door opened and our homeroom teacher came in. All of the girls that were talking to me scattered and began to pretend to clean. I thought I was saved and felt relieved.
I sat on a park bench on the way home and thought about my classmates’ laughter. Don’t just decide you’ve hurt my feelings, I thought after the fact and was finally irritated at the conversation. I felt like everyone was making fun of me all over again. How could I talk to everyone like Kazari did? I wanted to slack off like everyone else and push around rolled up pieces of paper with my broom as if I were playing ice hockey, too.
When I came back to my senses, there was a dog next to me. It had a collar, so at first I figured that its owner was somewhere in the park keeping an eye on it.
Five minutes later I started to think otherwise. The dog started sniffing my shoes, so I patted it once on the back as a test. It wasn’t scared and seemed used to people. I realized it was a female terrier, which made me remember the flier from this morning and wondered if the dog’s name was Aso.
I picked up the dog and went to the Suzuki’s address on the flier to find a small house. It was just past 7 P.M. and the setting sun had turned everything a shade of red. I rang the bell and a short, white-haired old lady came out.
“Aso! That’s my little Aso!” the old lady’s eyes opened wide in surprise as she happily hugged the dog close. I figured this had to be Suzuki who’d written the flier. “Thank you, dear. I was worried about this poor thing. Why don’t you come in for a bit?”
I nodded my head slightly and let myself be led into the house. To tell the dirty truth, I was hoping for a reward. Money, candy, anything. I was always hungry, so I would take anything.
She took me to the living room and I sat on a cushion.
“I see, so your name is Yoko. I’m Suzuki. It’s only been one day since I put that flier up, so it’s like a dream for me to be able to see Aso again.” she rubbed noses with Aso as she left the room. She seemed to live alone in this house.
Mrs. Suzuki came back with a tray of coffee and teacakes. Aso followed after her. She set the tray down on a low dining table and sat across from me. She wanted to know all about where I found Aso. It wasn’t like it was some interesting television drama, but she grinned as I told her about it.
I dumped sticks of sugar and lots of milk in my coffee and swallowed it in one gulp. Then I finished off the tea cakes in two. They were delicious. I never got much chance to eat sweets, only the dessert they’d sometimes give out with the school lunches in middle school. Of course, I never got anything but Kazari’s leftovers at home. So when I started going to a high school which had no school lunches my mind was controlled by the petty question of whether or not I’d be able to survive.
Mrs. Suzuki smiled kindly as she poured me a second helping of coffee. She told me to taste it this time.
“I’d like for you to go have dinner...”
I really would too, I thought instantly. But the small voice of reason told me that that would be rude to say in front of someone I’d just met.
“To tell the truth, I don’t have anything to make supper with tonight. I was so worried about Aso that I couldn’t concentrate,” Mrs. Suzuki hugged Aso. I felt jealous of how happy the little terrier looked being hugged.
“Oh right, I have to give you some kind of reward. I wonder what I should give you. I’ll go look for something so wait right there.”
Mrs. Suzuki got up and left the living room, leaving Aso behind. Wondering what she’d give me I got excited for the first time in a long while. I’ve been nervous a ton but I hardly ever get excited. I’d eat the candy or whatever on the way home. If I waited until I got back it would probably be taken from me.
Aso sniffed me. I probably smelled because I ended up not getting a bath last night. I looked around the room. There was a television. No VCR. She’s an old lady so she doesn’t know how to use one. I heard rumors on winged feet that they were hard for them to use. I’ve never used a television or a VCR either.
There was a large bookshelf in the living room that took up a whole wall of the room. As I skimmed the spines of the closely packed books on it Mrs. Suzuki came back, a troubled expression on her face.
“Forgive me. I was going to give you my most prized possession, but I’ve forgotten where I’ve left it. I’ll keep looking, so I wonder if you’d like to come back tomorrow? I’ll have a meal prepared then.”
After I convinced her that I would definitely come back tomorrow, I decided to head home. It was pitch dark outside. Mrs. Suzuki walked me to the door, which was when I realized that this was how you see someone off. I’d never been seen off before.
The next day I went to Mrs. Suzuki’s house on the way home from school. Before I rang the bell I could smell something really good. Mrs. Suzuki was pleased that I came, and it made my glad I did. I went into the house and sat on the same cushion as I did the day before. Aso remembered me, too. It was like a continuation of the previous day.
“I’m sorry, Yoko. I meant to give you my most prized possession but I couldn’t find it again. I looked for it, but I really don’t know where it is. Though, how does having dinners together sound? Do you like the hamburger meat?”
I totally loved it. I’d sell a kidney it was so good. When I told her that she laughed, causing her face to be covered in kind wrinkles.
I wondered why she made hamburger meat as I ate. Does Mrs. Suzuki like it? No, she made it to please me most likely. I understood that people make hamburger meat to please kids.
“Yoko, tell me more about you,” Mrs. Suzuki said while eating. Oh no, I wondered what in the world I should say.
“Tell me about your family for example.”
“I have a mother and a twin Sister.”
“Wow, a twin?”
Mrs. Suzuki looked like she wanted to hear more about my twin Sister, but since the truth was so extremely dark and sad, I lied.
I told her about how we didn’t have a father, but the three of us lived together happily. About how our Mom was so nice that she buys us each a full set of clothes that are all the same colors for our birthdays, clothes that weren’t too gaudy, but relatively plain. Grown-up ones. About how we all went to the zoo on our day off and saw the penguins up close. About how we lived together in the same room for the longest time but started to want our own rooms later. About how Mom would hold our hands when we couldn’t sleep after watching a scary movie on television. I talked about things that would never happen.
“What a wonderful mother...” Mrs. Suzuki murmured, seemingly moved. When I heard those words I wished that all the lies were true.
When she asked me about school, I lied and told her that my friends and I went to the sea. Seeing her smiling face as she listened I figured I had to convince her that this was the absolute truth. But the part of my brain that handles lying was tired and starting to protest, so I had to change the subject fast.
“Oh, and you sure do have a lot of books,” I looked at the full-wall bookshelf as I swallowed my chewed hamburger meat. Mrs. Suzuki made a happy face.
“I love books. The ones in this room are only a small portion of what I have. The others are all stacked up in another room. I read comics, too. What kind do you read?”
“Well, I... I don't really know...”
“My, really?” Mrs. Suzuki made a disappointed face, so I had to say something. I didn't want this old lady to dislike me.
“I mean... could you tell me which ones are good?”
“Of course, borrow any of them you like. Yes, let's do that. Come back another time and return them. That's fine.”
Mrs. Suzuki piled up a large number of books and comics that she enjoyed in front of me. I picked only one comic from those and then left her house. The reason I only picked one was because I wanted to finish it real quickly. That would let me go back to her house tomorrow to return it. Then I could come back and have something delicious to eat again, the expectations of a greedy little girl. On top of that I'd get to see Aso and Mrs. Suzuki again. I wanted to chat more with this old lady. I felt like my rear grew roots as I sat there with Mrs. Suzuki and Aso, making it hard to stand up.
I went through a lot of painful stuff after that but I kept going to Mrs. Suzuki's place. I usually borrowed a book when I went home so I had to go back to return it. Besides, every time I went over there, Mrs. Suzuki still hadn't found her most prized possession.
Returning the books was more of an excuse to go to Mrs. Suzuki's house, but I felt like I had to make something like that up to keep going to her house because she was a complete stranger. Mrs. Suzuki was the first person I could ever relax around in my whole life. I wanted to go to her without any reason, to have her like me.
When I was going to be there she'd always be making dinner and waiting for me. I'd read some comics or novels everyday and then talk to her about them. Mrs. Suzuki, Aso, and I became fast friends. When school got out early I'd take Aso for a walk. I'd change burned out light bulbs and peel potato skins.
“Let's go see a movie on your next day off school.”
I nearly leaped for joy when she suggested it.
“But this seems kind of rude to your mother, Yoko, monopolizing on just you so much like this. I know, let's take Kazari with us.”
Okay... I nodded but I didn't know what I should do. Mrs. Suzuki totally believed my lies.
After the movie Mrs. Suzuki and I went to a conveyor belt sushi bar. I tried to refuse at first, but she inSisted that we go. I'd never really eaten much sushi before, so I didn't know what any of the fish were called. I basically knew how these conveyor belt places worked and thought to pick some cheap sushi, but I didn't know which ones were cheap. As the sushi kept passing by Mrs. Suzuki told me about her family.
“I have a grandchild, just about your age.” She looked sad. “Maybe one year younger. A girl. She lives rather close, but I haven't seen her in three years.”
“You can't live together with your family?”
Mrs. Suzuki didn't answer. I figured there was some reason she couldn't.
“I wonder what would happen if I sent them a letter. “Let's meet and go out to dinner. We can go eat anything you want.” They'd definitely come if I wrote that in it.”
After she said that I sat and thought seriously about what “anything I want” to eat would be if I were to respond. I've never been asked that question before, so I thought it was a question that deserved consideration. The sushi kept on flowing by as I thought.
“You're a nice girl,” Mrs. Suzuki murmured. “... I have something I must tell you. It's about my prized possession that I was going to give you for bringing my Aso back to me. The truth is I never had one to give you. It was a lie. I made it up as an excuse to see you again. Forgive me. Please take this instead.”
Mrs. Suzuki put a key in my hand.
“It's the key to my house. There's no more need for an excuse, you come to my house whenever you like. I love you so much.”
I nodded repeatedly. I thought it was a wonderful idea. Up to now I'd regretted the fact that I was born and have been tempted to climb to the roof of a tall building, go over the fences letting the wind blow fiercely against my face causing my nose to run, and then jump off. I never thought this day would come.
Whenever something painful happens to me now, I grip the key that she gave me tightly, bracing myself with it. The key is like a AA battery that supplies me with energy, makes me feel like saying, “Today is my day!” I always hide it in a book, using it as a bookmark.
３
This happened at school on the Friday two weeks after Mrs. Suzuki gave me her key. Kazari came to my class during break. She wanted to borrow my math textbook because she had forgotten hers.
“Please, I'll thank you somehow.”
It had been a long time since I last spoke to Kazari, so I was happy. My math class was in the afternoon, but she promised she'd have it back before then so I let her borrow it.
I ended up going to my math class without the book though because I couldn't find Kazari at lunchtime. She wasn't even in her classroom.
Our math teacher seemed like a nice man. I hadn't spoken to him much, but I'd seen him laughing and talking with Kazari in the hallways before. So I thought he'd let me off if I told him why I didn't have my book today.
“Why didn't you bring your book to class?”
The teacher asked me as class started, making me stand there.
“Well... I loaned it to my Sister...”
“Bah! Don't go blaming this on someone else. I can't believe it. It makes me wonder if you really are Kazari from class one's Sister. How about paying more attention to personal hygiene and looks?”
A few people here and there snickered at that. My face felt red and I wanted to run away from there. I knew my clothes were dirty and my hair was unkempt. But there was no time to fix it for someone like me who slept in the kitchen.
Kazari called out to me as I left the room after class.
“Sorry I'm late getting your book back to you, Sis. I want to apologize. Some friends of mine and I are going to McDonald's soon, come with us. I'll let you eat a hamburger.”
Kazari smiled charmingly. No one had ever invited me to anything like that and it made me happy so I agreed immediately. I thought this had to be a dream for her to put me in her circle of friends, so much so that I stepped on my left foot with my right hard enough that it hurt.
Kazari, two friends, and I made four that were going to McDonalds. Kazari ordered for everyone. Since this was my first time meeting Kazari's friends they didn't say much to me, but they talked a lot with Kazari and laughed.
“Hey, you really don't have any money? I can't believe it, why does Kazari get an allowance and you don't?” one of Kazari's friends asked me as we stood in front of the register. Kazari answered for me.
“That's how Mom brought her up. She says it's because Sis will spend any money she has immediately.”
Once we got the hamburgers, we took our food and moved up to a table on the second floor. There were only enough hamburgers, fries, and juice for three people. Kazari and her friends started to eat and I stared at them. I hesitated to ask where mine was. I could never speak to Mom or Kazari unless spoken to.
“Here, I don't need anymore of this.” One of Kazari's friends shoved a half-eaten hamburger in front of me.
“Hey Yoko, do you really eat other people's leftovers?”
Kazari answered her friend's question as if she were enjoying it.
“She really does. She always chows down on my leftovers,” she said, and looked in my direction. “You always do, right? These two just don't believe me, so I figured it would be easier to just show them. Here Sis, you can eat this, too.”
Kazari put her half-eaten hamburger in front of me. Her friends stared at me with curiosity in their eyes. I ate everything they put in front of me like a pig chowing down. They all clapped their hands at once, pleased.
We left the restaurant and Kazari and her friends waved saying good-bye as they disappeared towards the train station. Left by myself I started to have a real hard time breathing and murmured, “Please, God!” in my mind. When I finally managed to make it to Mrs. Suzuki's house, I was in such a panic. I was wondering why Kazari had gotten her friends together and done that to me. But Kazari had done what she's always done. She'd just it out in public rather than at home. I kept telling myself that but my labored breathing didn't show signs of stopping, so I thought I must have eaten too much too quickly.
Mrs. Suzuki coughed as she put on some coffee.
“I seem to have caught a slight cold,” she said as she continued to cough. “Oh my, Yoko, what's wrong? You look so terrible. Did something happen?”
“No, I just ate a bit too much...”
“Ate too much? Really?” She peered into my eyes as she said it. Why are old people's pupils so clear, I wondered while I pressed my hand against my chest around my heart.
“It feels hard to breathe, right around here...” After I said that I couldn't form words any longer. Kazari and her friends kept popping up in my head. Mrs. Suzuki didn't say anything and gently stroked my head.
“It must have been something terrible,” she said, then led me to her bedroom and sat me in front of her dresser.
“Now, show me a smile. You really are beautiful, you know.”
She pinched my cheeks and pulled them left and right, trying to force me to smile.
“Ah, stop, stop. I look like a clown in the mirror. But it's a little easier to breathe now. So please stop pulling on my cheeks.”
“All better? That's good.”
She said that, and then coughed. It wasn't a slight cough, but one that sounded a lot more terrible and worrisome.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, yes I am. Let's go on a trip this next time. You're my most important family you know, Yoko.”
“Can we go on the trip, and not come back?”
“Yes, let's just keep travelling the world. I'll take you as my grandchild.”
Are you a wild dream of mine or something? I thought. Because that sounded like a wonderful idea. I'd always thought how wonderful it would be to have Mrs. Suzuki as my grandmother.
She pointed her finger at the mirror. I saw the smile on my face when I peered in. I looked like Kazari.
When I left her house to go home I tried to walk like Kazari. I lifted my chin and put on a happy face as I continued quickly forward. It was only then that I noticed that I usually hunched forward.
Remembering what had happened at Mrs. Suzuki's, I studied by my trash can in the kitchen. Mom brought her laptop home.
Her laptop was for work, so she always took good care of it. I touched her laptop while it was lying on the kitchen table once.
“Don't touch that with your filthy hands.”
She hit me over the head with her plate of gratin as she said it. I learned that the laptop was higher than I was on the food chain.
Mom looked tired as she came in, but glared at me as if she'd just seen something detestable. Kazari called to her from the living room though, and her face softened. Kazari had gotten home before I did and was watching TV in the living room. I'm not allowed in the living room so I didn't talk to her. Mom would make me walk around town nude if she caught me watching TV in the living room without permission.
Mom went that direction and I rubbed my chest, happy that I might get through today without getting bruised. I could hear Kazari and Mom's voices coming from the living room, so I did my math homework and listened to them.
“Hey Mom, don't you think Sis has been coming home late these days?” when I heard Kazari's words I put down my pencil. “It seems like she's made a friend. She's got tons of comics and books hidden in the closet. Wherever did she get the money to buy those?”
I felt my body go cold. Mom came back in from the living room, went past me and threw open the doors to the kitchen closet. She acted as though I didn't exist the way she never looked my direction. After she'd thrown my textbooks out onto the floor, she found the three novels I'd borrowed from Mrs. Suzuki.
“Where'd you get these books?”
Mom asked in a low voice. I barely managed to speak I was so scared. She'd beat me for no reason if I didn't answer her question though.
“I borrowed them...”
She slammed the books to the ground.
“You don't have any friends though, right? What an amazing girl you are! You stole these from a shop, didn't you!? I work hard for you everyday, why do you do this to me!?”
Mom sat me in a chair and said quietly, “You've always been like this. You've always troubled Kazari and me you little good-for-nothing.”
Kazari was standing in the entryway to the living room looking at me. She had compassion in her eyes as she said, “Mom, forgive her. It's probably just a phase she's going through.”
“You're such a nice girl, Kazari,” she said to her, smiling until she turned back to me. “But compared to you, I can only think that this one is rotten to the core. Kazari, go back to the other room.”
Kazari formed the words “good luck” with her mouth and gave me a thumbs up as she went into the living room, shutting the door behind her. The sound of the television leaked in through the door.
Mom stood behind me and put her hands on my shoulders as I sat in the chair. I stayed absolutely still because she'd hit me if I didn't.
“Have I ever done anything against you? Of course, I've hit you before, but that was all for your own good.”
Mom stroked the back of my neck again and again, and then she gripped my throat hard.
“St-... op it...!” I moaned as I struggled.
“It just irritates me when you talk like that. Show some respect to your mother, I'm the one who raised you.”
I felt her grip tighten. I couldn't say anything anymore. I couldn't breathe, couldn't beg, “Please Mom, I'll do anything.”
It felt like I fainted for a moment, and when I came to I was lying on the floor with drool coming out of my mouth.
“You should just die. I'll kill you soon. I wonder why you two turned out so differently. I'm tired of the way you walk, the way you speak, everything,” she said while she looked down at me, standing imposingly over me.
She took the three books with her and disappeared into her own room. My heart was working at full capacity to get the oxygen-filled blood back to my brain. It was then on that floor that I decided to run away from this place.
It was too dangerous to stay any longer. I was convinced that Mom definitely explode over something small and kill me. I wanted to see Mrs. Suzuki. Go somewhere far away with her and Aso.
Lying there on that floor I remembered something important. My precious key to Mrs. Suzuki's house was hidden between the pages of the books Mom just took with her.
４
The next day was Saturday so I didn't have school. Mom said she had things to do so she wouldn't be back until 6 P.M. then left the house. Kazari was out with friends so she hadn't been at home since noon. I was alone in the house, and went into Mom's room when I felt like it.
This was pretty much the first time I'd been in Mom's room. I could never get into it normally. Mom would probably beat me pretty badly if she saw me in her room. I'd die in the worst case scenario. But even if it took doing something dangerous, I just had to get back the house key that Mrs. Suzuki gave me. It was an important link between Mrs. Suzuki and me. I bet she'd forgive me if I lost the books. But the key was different. She'd never forgive me if I lost that.
Mom's room was tidy with everything put in order; there wasn't a speck of dust in sight. There was a vase with flowers in it next to the laptop on her desk. She had a largish bed, and it felt a little strange thinking about her sleeping there. A boom box was on the back of her bed, and there were CD cases lined up on a rack. I wasn't really used to listening to music, but Mom and Kazari would always talk about it.
Mrs. Suzuki's books were left carelessly in the corner of the room. I took the key out and held it tightly. All that remained was to leave the room as quickly as possible. I decided to leave the books there. Otherwise Mom would probably figure out that I'd been in her room.
When I grasped the doorknob I heard the sound of the front door opening. I stopped moving and kept quiet. Someone had just come home. If I left the room now I'd be found out. I strained my ears, listening, and could hear whoever it was heading this way.
I looked around for a place to hide. The bed was pushed up against the wall and there was just enough space for someone to stretch out and hide between it and the wall. I quickly threw myself back there as soon as I'd made up my mind. It looked like I'd fallen off the bed while tossing and turning in my sleep. But while I was thinking I'd get stuck, the width was actually just perfect as if someone had planned for this.
I stiffened as I heard the door opening. My heart was beating fiercely, and I begged it to stop soon and be quiet. The person's footsteps came into the room. Squeezed between the bed and the wall, hiding my face, I saw that I could see the full-length mirror on the other side of the room. I saw Kazari's face in that mirror. Kazari was the one who came into the room. I watched Kazari through the mirror. I don't know what she needed in Mom's room but I wished she'd leave soon.
Kazari moved to stand in front of the shelf, and started glancing through the CD cases there. She hummed as she took a number of CDs off the shelf. It seemed she'd come into the room to borrow some. She carelessly placed the CD cases she'd pulled out on the desk next to her and looked at the shelf again. Then she again carelessly put a few more on the desk.
Then I saw her hand hit the vase through the mirror. I screamed, “Ah” right then, because the vase fell over and poured water all over Mom's laptop. Kazari didn't seem to notice my scream though, because she'd screamed the same thing at the same time. She righted the vase quickly, but it was too late. I saw her face go pale through the mirror as she looked down at the soaking wet laptop.
She had a troubled look on her face as she glanced around the room, but she began to smile after a few moments. She moved and went to a place that I couldn't see in the mirror. I could see her sock-covered feet from beneath the bed though. Her feet moved to the corner of the room and stopped just before the three books there. The books that I'd borrowed from Mrs. Suzuki and that Mom had taken from me. Kazari's hands reached down and grabbed them.
After that, Kazari returned the CDs on the table to the shelf. She wasn’t borrowing them anymore it seemed. Instead, she took Mrs. Suzuki's books and left the room. I heard her taking her time going to her own room and crossing to the living room. But at length she seemed to settle into her own room and I couldn't hear her footsteps anymore.
I immediately realized why Kazari took the books. Mom would come home and see her soaking wet laptop then wonder just who it was that did it. Kazari or I, who did it... But if the books that were taken from me were gone, Mom would probably think that I came back in to get them and knocked the vase over.
I imagined Mom being much angrier than she's ever been before. This was the worst thing that's ever happened. Death would be demanded as the only way to pay for this. I remembered Mom's face from the day before. A face like a rubber mask, staring down at me as she stands there, an imposing figure over me.
I carefully got out of the gap between the bed and the wall, and left the room paying attention to my footsteps so Kazari wouldn't notice. As soon as I made it outside I ran to Mrs. Suzuki's house. The only way for me to survive was to go and have her protect me. But when I rang the bell to her house, a lightly made-up girl opened the door.
The girl looked me up from head to toe as she said, “Who are you?”
I figured out that this was Mrs. Suzuki's granddaughter.
“Umm... where's Mrs. Suzuki...?”
“I'm a Suzuki. But you're probably talking about my grandma, right? If that's the case, she's dead, died this morning. The dog was being so loud that a neighbor came to check on her and found her lying dead in the doorway. She died from complications with a cold. I mean god, this is my day off and I was called out here this morning, it sucks.”
I remembered Mrs. Suzuki saying she had a little cold the other day. There were signs of people walking about behind the girl in the entryway.
“Eri, who is it?”
I could hear a woman's voice coming from further in the house. The girl turned around and replied, “No idea, some girl I don't know.” She turned back to me and sighed, saying, “It's selfish of her to die on us. What are we going to do with her dog? I guess we should take it to the pound.” That instant I thought, “God, can I please strangle this girl right here, right now?” But all I could do was hang my head and leave Mrs. Suzuki's house.
I sat on the park bench. The bench that I found Aso at. There were a bunch of kids playing in the park. Sliding on the slide, swinging on the swings, smiling and laughing with all their might. I hunched over and squeezed my eyes shut. I just couldn't believe that Mrs. Suzuki wasn't here any longer. It was too much for me.
The clock in the park said it was 6 P.M. It was about time that Mom got home. That meant I'd been sitting on this bench for about three hours. I became aware of a puddle of water at my feet. I thought I'd cried so much that my tears had formed a puddle, but looking closely I realized it was a leak from a water fountain nearby.
I stood up. I'd decided to run to the ends of the earth. But at that moment Kazari entered the edge of my field of vision. At first I thought it was someone else, but it was definitely her walking on a sidewalk next to the park. She must have left her room and gone shopping because she had a convenience store bag hanging on her arm. I ran after her.
“Kazari, wait!”
Her eyes widened as she stopped and saw me running towards her.
“Hey, Kazari, apologize to Mom about what you did in her bedroom!”
“You know about that!?”
“Yeah, so please, tell her that you did it!”
“No way! I don't want Mom mad at me!”
Kazari shook her head real hard.
“Let her get mad at you instead. Aren't you used to it? I couldn't take her being mad at me.”
It felt hard for me to breathe again. If I had a knife I'd stab myself in the heart to open the gates to the cold, dark and be much more at ease.
“... But, you're the one who knocked the vase over, right?” I pleaded with her.
“Jeez, you're just not that bright! I'm telling you to take the blame, okay! When Mom comes home you're going to apologize to her, okay!?”
“I...”
I shoved my hand in my pocket.
“What?” She asked as if she were scolding me. I gripped the key in my pocket hard enough to draw blood.
“I...”
I truly loved her. But that was until ten seconds ago. The pressure on my chest that was making it hard to breathe relaxed when I realized that.
“... No, it's fine. It was nothing. Kazari, listen...” I'd made up my mind. “Too bad, but Mom knows it was you that did it. It's true. You tried to make her think it was me by taking the books out but it didn't work. While you were out at the store Mom came back home. I was standing in the entryway and heard her shouting from her room. Then I ran out here to the park. But Mom realized it was you that knocked the vase over.”
Kazari's face went pale.
“There's no way she could!”
“She did. I heard her while I was in the entryway. My CDs were ordered wrong, Kazari must have done it. That's what she was shouting. So she's waiting for you to come home and apologize to her. Please, just be honest and apologize.”
Kazari looked at me, troubled.
“She already knows everything?”
I nodded.
“But I don't want to get hit or yelled at like you do!”
I pretended to share her worries, and then I made a suggestion.
“Then, let's do this. I'll apologize for you.”
“How?”
“We'll trade clothes for tonight. I'll wear your clothes and you'll wear mine. I'll act like you until tomorrow morning and you'll have to hunch over like I usually do.”
“She won't figure it out?”
“Of course, we've got the same face you know. But you'll have to be all dark and gloomy like I usually am. We're safe if you can. I'll take all of the beating and yelling in your place. You don't have to worry.”
We switched places in a park restroom. Kazari took off everything she had on and mussed up her hair enough to look unkempt with her hands. She grimaced as she put on my clothes.
“These clothes smell weird!”
Kazari’s clothes were clean and silky. I put on everything from her socks to her wristwatch and somehow managed to tidy up my hair with a brush. I didn’t know how well it went, but I tried smiling in the bathroom mirror and I looked like Kazari. I remembered Mrs. Suzuki, looking at my smile in the mirror like that. I pressed my hand against my mouth immediately. Something like water started to come from my eyes. Of course they were tears, but I hid it from Kazari and washed my face real hard.
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t come out soon so Kazari was standing in the doorway with a discouraged look on her face as she said it.
We left the park and headed towards the apartment building. The sunset stained the place red, and it stood towering above us. We stood at its feet and stared up to our window on the tenth floor. I had just lied to Kazari about Mom having come home. She didn’t seem to doubt that.
I never checked to make sure it was true, but Mom should have been home. Our punctual mother had never been late coming home, so it would be weird for her not to be there at 6 P.M. like she said she would be.
“Kazari, when you get in the house act like I always do.”
She made a discontented snort.
“I know. So, who goes in first? We haven’t come home together since the 2nd grade. It would be weird to do so now.”
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors and tied 30 times in a row. It was probably because we’re twins so we use the same order. I won on the 31st round, so Kazari disguised as me was going in first.
I watched her turn towards the entrance to the building. I rested my back against a tree growing in front of the apartments and gazed out at the sunset-dyed town. The bag Kazari had been holding was now in my hands. The plastic made a dry rustling sound against my knee.
A boy peddling his bike passed in front of me, pulling a long shadow behind him as he got farther and farther away. The clouds hanging in the air seemed to be giving off a red light from within. Someone called out for Kazari, and when I turned around a lady who lived in our apartment building was looking at me. How is school going? Working hard? She asked. Yeah, not bad, I answered. Right after that something fell from above us with a thud, startling the lady. Something wearing dirty clothes with my face had smashed into the ground.
５
I went back to the apartment and wrote a suicide note for Kazari. Mom told me to do it. Write me one in five minutes before the police come, she ordered. When I started to do it, she called me a good girl and told me she loved me. Words I’d always heard in my dreams in the dead of night.
It was easy to write the note that Yoko would have written before she died. I just had to think of why I wanted to die.
No one ever doubted that Endo Yoko had committed suicide. When the sun had set and all the onlookers had blended in with the dark so that they were no longer visible, Mom and I answered the policemen’s questions appropriately. Mom didn’t realize who I was, but it still isn’t too late for her to be shocked by it. I decided to pack my things and leave the house that night to travel somewhere far away.
The police continued to talk with us until late in the night and Mom and I began to show signs of fatigue. I really was tired, but Mom was just acting because when the police left she rubbed her shoulders and sighed in relief. I thought of how pitiful a person I must have been to not even arouse any sadness in her even when I died. I apologized to Kazari in my mind once more.
Mom went back into her room, and I drew back into Kazari’s. Her room was overflowing with so much cute that it didn’t agree with me. I felt like my spot by the garbage can in the kitchen agreed with me much better. When I was sure Mom had fallen asleep I started putting things in my bag. I tried to stuff the flattened cushion I’d always used as a bed in but it wouldn’t fit. So I had to take out Kazari’s clothes and ensure I had enough space for it.
I left the apartment and ran over to Mrs. Suzuki’s house to see Aso. I remembered them saying they’d take Aso to the pound because there was no one to take care of him anymore after she died. I was worried about whether or not Aso would still be there. But as luck would have it Aso was tied up on a leash out front when I got there. Inside, Mrs. Suzuki’s children and grandchildren seemed to be staying the night so they could take care of the funeral. Looks like Aso was thrown out. But that’s fine, so was I, I thought.
Aso started wagging his tail extremely hard when he saw me, spinning around so fast that he could have started a tornado. I took off the leash and kidnapped him.
The dog and I headed off to the train station as a start. It felt inexcusable to miss both Mrs. Suzuki’s and Endo Yoko’s funerals. Not even I knew how I was going to manage to keep going from there on out. I had absolutely no money, and might even starve to death. But I was used to hunger, and I was confident I could eat the scraps from restaurants or the cut off ends of carrots and my stomach wouldn’t mind because it was made of steel. I gripped the key in my pocket, felt the power to go on flow through me and shouted in my mind, Alright!
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